"The Work"

Recently I was privy to observing a situation online where someone said something racist and was called out for it. They made an apology which many people rejected on the basis of them having made similar apologies in the past and not really doing the work. It occurs to me that people may not actually know what "doing the work" means.

What is "the work"?

This is how I see it.

When someone has done or said something racist/sexist/transphobic/homophobic/fatphobic etc., they are often told to go and do their work.

The work is not simply an apology. The apology is only step one.

The work is a reckoning.

The work begins by looking at yourself honestly. All of yourself, including the parts you don't like to think about. Especially the parts you don't like to think about.

The shitty, ugly parts of you that caused pain for someone else. The parts you feel guilty about or ashamed of.

This is the beginning of the work.

Sit with these parts of yourself. With compassion. This is HARD.

But you can NOT bypass it. You must sit with these difficult parts and reckon with them. You need to come to terms with your shitty beliefs about yourself, about others, about the world you live in. You have to be prepared to change. You may need to let go of things. You may need to embrace things. And you must understand that this is a PROCESS. You will never really be done "the work".

This is really REALLY difficult. I speak from experience.

And you will screw it up. You must love yourself through your screw ups.

These are things must happen before you can get to reconciling and repairing. Before you can get to building a better future.

Before you can reconcile with anyone else, you must first begin to reconcile with yourself.

Here's another critical piece of info. You do NOT need to do this alone.

BUT, (and this part is super important):

You absolutely do not get to expect that the person or people that you've hurt will help you do it.

Once you have started to do this work, reconciled some of these ugly parts of yourself and recognized how you have caused harm, then, and only then can you even approach repairing the damage you've caused.

A final word of caution, be prepared to be rejected. The injured party may not be prepared to accept your apology or acknowledge that you've worked on yourself. DO NOT STOP DOING THE WORK.

This is called "the work" because IT IS WORK. IT IS HARD. But, to quote Glennon Doyle - WE CAN DO HARD THINGS.

This is the work of a lifetime and the work of our generation. Be part of the change.