Sour wine gums as self-medication

I went to the grocery store this afternoon and while I was there I remembered that I wanted to buy a sympathy card for my friend whose dog died. I was standing there in the store, looking through the cards trying to find something suitable, when I felt the hot sting of tears pricking my eyes. Shit.

I grabbed a card, wiped my eyes and tried to hold myself together until I left the store. When I was bringing my cart up to pay, a song came on. "In the Living Years." If you aren't familiar with it, the songwriter is expressing his distress at not being there when his father passed away.

I managed to pay for my groceries and get them to my vehicle before the tears started to run down my face.

I texted a couple of girlfriends, recounted the whole story, peppered with a few choice swears, and wrapped up with the confession "and I'm self-medicating by eating a bag of sour wine gums."

Both of them responded by saying "you had a human moment".

I miss my parents. I miss my daughter. I miss my friends.

I've been coping reasonably well with this pandemic. My husband and I are in a good place. We don't have financial worries and we don't have to go out in public much. We really are extremely fortunate.

And yet it's still difficult.

I debated sharing this. Questioned myself as to what my intention was - why I wanted to write about this and more importantly for others to read it.

It's not about some performative vulnerability or to get people to feel sorry for me. I'm not looking for comforting or people to tell me it'll be okay. I'm feeling fine at the moment. Settled.

I think I'm posting this to remind my future self that I will have other days like this and I will be okay. And perhaps there will be someone else reading this who will know that it's okay to feel crappy sometimes - even if it feels like we shouldn't. Even if we have so much to be grateful for. Even if others have it worse. For what it's worth, I give you permission to have your human moment too.