For allies. A question and an offer.

It's been just over two weeks since George Floyd was murdered.

In the days following his death, I saw a flood of people vowing to become more educated about racism, to be part of the solution and not part of the problem.

I'm thrilled about this.

My question, two weeks later - how many of you are still holding yourselves to your promise to do better?

This question is not intended to shame you.

This question is to hold you accountable.

Deconstructing our own internalized racism is not easy. It is a territory fraught with heavy, intense feelings, confusion, shame - all of it.

How do I know? Because I've been there.

I've been doing this work for almost thirty years now, since I first met my husband.

My heart has been broken at the things I've learned - over and over and over. I've cried and then felt awful for asking the person whose whole life has been affected by racism to essentially help me cope with my privilege. I've been angry at things I didn't understand. In many ways it's been a minefield and I'm not proud of everything I've done and said over the years. I've made many mistakes.

I'll admit that sometimes I feel frustrated at seeing white folks having their "come to Jesus moment" over racism. To finally awaken to the fact that this is happening in our world. And I have to remind myself of where I came from. I had teachers too. Patient teachers. People who loved me and held space for me to run through all the emotions and help me to do the emotional work. I am forever grateful to these people.

It's my turn to step up. The guilt I've felt over my privilege is not productive, so I'm choosing to use this privilege in the best way I know how. I'm here to take up the load of educating white people so that people of colour are not always having to do it - to pay it forward. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I definitely don't have all the answers.

What I do have is some experience with this, and I believe even more important than that, I'm no longer afraid to be wrong because I KNOW I WILL BE. I'll get it wrong and people will have to correct me and I'm okay with that because as long as I'm trying, I'm learning and I can forgive myself for that.

At the end of my days, the thing I would not forgive myself for not even trying.

If you're still reading this, I invite you to be part of the conversation. To be part of the solution. To have a safe space to talk about the things that are so hard to wrap our heads and hearts around - to ask the "dumb" questions. To lick our wounds when we get it wrong.

I don't yet know exactly what this looks like, but I feel called to create a space because the truth is, I need it too.

BIPOC people have enough on their plates right now without having to care for the feelings of their allies. But we still have our feelings and need to process them. Together.

To this end, I would like to invite anyone else who needs this to please message me. Let's do our work together. I look forward to hearing from you.