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Sometimes I feel so full of rage, I feel I will explode. That I will have to vomit up all the bullshit I've internalized because I can't choke it down any longer.
I can't swallow it - not with alcohol, not with drugs, not with "God" or some spirituality bullshit that requires me to be forgiving without feeling the feelings.
(That last part is key but that's the topic for another blog post.)
NO.
I can't swallow it. I WON'T swallow it.
I spit it back.
I don't want to be the "nice girl" anymore. I don't want to be the person that always finds something nice to say about everyone and sees the world through rose-coloured glasses at the expense of myself.
Let me repeat that part cause it's freaking huge: NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF MYSELF.
I'm tired of having to take what is said and filter it and try to see the bright side or the positive side or what "you really meant". I'm not here to clean up your crap.
Learn to clean it up yourself.
Women have had to monitor and censor themselves forever to try to be understood - it's happening all around us and it's playing out on a big stage. Men can say what they want, how they want, and it's up to everyone else to take it as it's intended. They're called "straight shooters" or passionate. Women are called bitches and hysterical.
I've spent my life always trying to see things from the others' point of view. Always leading with compassion and understanding. Even when I was being hurt, I've been trained (or trained myself) to always try and understand why people behave as they do.
To what end?
To the point where they don't have to adjust what they say or what they do because I'll do the work of cleaning it up and filtering it for them?
So they don't have to take any accountability???
Sometimes I feel that my compassion has been my downfall, when really, my compassion has simply been incomplete because it didn't include me.
I don't want to enable bad behaviour any longer. I do feel badly because it's obvious to me that people treat other people horribly because they're afraid or hurting.
But you know what? I'm tired.
It's not my job to fix you. It's not my job to sift through your crap to find the best in you.
YOU find the best in you. YOU do the digging to come up with that, and YOU then learn to express that to the world. Don't leave me or anyone else to do your emotional work.