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I love fire. Sitting around a roaring campfire is one of my favourite things in the world to do.
Fire can nurture and it can spark creation. There are trees whose seeds will only be released under extreme heat that comes from forest fires. Fire also provides warmth and comfort. Without fire, would we as a species thrive? It is an element that is so vital to our survival, especially in northern climates.
Yet when I think about fire as an allegory for my own passions, I see a destructive force. Uncontrollable and dangerous.
In fact, the first draft of this blog had me opening with how destructive and dangerous fire is. When I told my husband this, he said "But you love fires. You're always talking about wanting a fireplace and that it's the best part of camping."
Somehow I have convinced myself that this element is "bad".
Why??
I used to have a vision of what my life would look like if I allowed myself to fully immerse
into my passions. My fire. What it would look like if I didn't temper myself or restrain myself from becoming fully engaged. It was energized and intense and the fire filled me up inside but then it consumed me and spread out from me to consume all those that I love and leave a bleak wasteland of ash.
That might sound a bit dramatic. But it doesn't make it any less real or any less scary to me. I don't want my passions in life to destroy those that I love.
I long to be the woman who is "fiery" enough to speak her mind. To truth-tell. A "straight shooter" as they say.
But the fear of burning myself is pretty intense. Equally intense is the fear of unintentionally burning others.
The fire that has long been dormant in me has been awakened and I need to heal my relationship with it. I am working to reframe my relationship with this element and how I view it. To see its positive qualities I need to make peace with it and learn to use it as a nurturing and creative force.
The fire has always been within me. Now that I am in touch with it, I am learning how to channel it. Not control it, or quash it, but channel it.
It tethers me to myself. It's powerful. It's honest. It's exhausting and it's exhilarating.
It is mine and I'm not giving it up. I'm not dowsing it just so others can be comfortable.
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen as they say...
I have a right to it and it is going to fuel me. It IS fuelling me.
I will use this fire in my belly to burn a path for myself and for those women who come after me.
Sparks will fly, and together we will light up the darkness.