Tired

I've seen many people in my Facebook feed talking about their exhaustion, and have had conversations with two girlfriends about the subject as well.

The friends I am referring to are incredibly smart, driven, kick-ass women. They have accomplished incredible things and will continue to accomplish incredible things. They have invested significant time, energy and resources into growing themselves to the people they are right now. And yet after the long hauls they have both completed, they feel guilty about taking time to rest and regroup. It's as if the years they spent pushing themselves to the ends of their strength and then beyond, should be erased the moment they achieved their goal.

Now I know them well, and when they read this they will see the truth in what I'm saying. And yet the struggle to relax and regenerate is a real difficulty.

Why is this?

When did we evolve to a place where rest is considered a dirty word, equivalent to being lazy? When did we get convinced that our worth is only tied up in our ability to be productive? When did it become a badge of honour to brag about how little rest we can "get by" on?

The answers to these questions are of course rhetorical. These problems are not personal failings. They are internalized forms of oppression. And to be clear, they are not cultural patterns that are shared by everyone. They come from a European, colonial, settler, capitalist, neo-liberal, patriarchal mindset.

In my personal exploration of undoing my internalized white supremacy, I have been very fortunate to have an alternate example in my life to refer to. For the thirty years I have been with my Metis/Cree husband, I have had a myriad of opportunities to witness and learn about other ways of being in the world. I have been able to see the world through another lens, through his eyes, his experiences, his culture. I would say that central to his way of being is the principle of balance.

Balance the needs of the self with that of the collective. Balancing action with rest. Balancing growth with stasis. And even further, understanding that balance is not a passive, static state between two opposites - rather a constantly shifting and evolving dynamic of many variables.

We are not separate from nature. We are a part of nature and nature is cyclical. WE are cyclical. After periods of great output, we need time to rest. This is not laziness, this is reality. We are not designed to go and go and go and go like an energizer bunny.

We have even gotten to the point in our society where women feel the need to return their bodies to "normal" six weeks after giving birth. What the f#ck?? You spend the better part of a year growing a NEW HUMAN BEING and then you get six weeks to bounce back? That's some bullsh*t right there.

I think it's pretty clear how I feel about all of this. What's less clear is what to do about it. Because the truth is, I feel the guilt too.

You know what though? F#ck it. Be the change you want to see in the world? All right then. I'm going to sleep until I'm rested, eat when I'm hungry and show myself a load of self-compassion for my human-ness. Yes, others are still suffering. Yes, the world is still a mess. Yes, others have it way worse than I do. Yes, there is work to be done. But more and more I realize that I can't show up to do any of it if I'm a walking disaster area.

I leave you with this quote from the Talmud:

Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly now. Love mercy now. Walk humbly now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.