Everything sucks

There were some terrible things in the news yesterday. My social media feed blew up with articles about it and about racism and how to be not just not racist but anti-racist. I didn’t engage much, and I’m now lying in bed trying to sleep and struggling with that decision. I want to engage, I want to read all the things and start all the conversations but I’m not up to it. My inner social justice drill sergeant conscience is having a field day. I’m not using my privilege. I’m not helping. I’m on the side of the oppressor because I’m staying silent. And then a part of me says, hey wait a second. Is you taking a day to think being irresponsible? Is you dealing with your own mental health before dealing with a problem as immense as this really a cop out? And the kicker - is you posting on Facebook really doing ANYTHING about racism or just filling your need to LOOK like you’re doing something? I can’t answer that for anyone else but right now I’m owning my truth. I’m not doing well and this feels like way too much. Crawling back to mental wellness has been difficult and throwing myself back into the chaos, frustration and helplessness of the world we live in is not going to help anyone. Am I privileged? I am. I get to walk away from my computer. Am I doing this wrong? Maybe. I don’t know. I’m still figuring out the balance or perhaps the tension between doing for others and doing for myself. It’s really new to me and it’s something I absolutely need to figure out if I intend to be able to sustain any kind of activism. I have more questions than answers but what I do know is this. I’m struggling with my mental health right now and I’m reasonably sure that me reading, liking and posting all the things isn’t really doing much to combat racism. I don’t say that to make excuses for myself, but this is too important for me to do half assed.