.png)
I sat down tonight with the full intention of writing a blog post. It started like this:
I cried today. And yesterday, and the day before.
And then I tried to piece together little snippets of wisdom that have been coming to me through my journalling. I have so much to say. So much to share.
But I can't make the pieces fit. The puzzle is broken and I don't know how to put it together.
In my mind I was going to be able to finally sit down and string these beautiful thoughts together into this epic post that people really resonated with. I've been fantasizing about it for days. Yearning to sit down and let my head wrap words around what was happening because aren't I clever and won't people like that. That will help me to feel in control of this won't it - I was the one who managed to put words around the unnameable and isn't that great for me. What a smart woman I am. My ego was aching to get a hit.
Even as I write this I'm cringing. I know better. I know that my best writing happens when my head gets out of the way, but man, the need to be in control of something is strong right now. So this beautiful blog post that I had dreamed of creating isn't happening.
This post is what is happening. This post is what is coming through in this moment. And the first post is in my drafts folder, a total and complete mess. Just a bunch of jumbled sentences.
I usually use my mind to help me understand what's going on and to make sense of things, but my mind isn't working in this situation. There is no understanding this. My mind is helpless against this task. It just keeps spinning, spinning, like a computer trying to find a piece of data that isn't there.
But I have answers, whispers my body. I know things.
I don't listen to her very much. Honestly, I know I take her for granted. She carries my head around for me and allows me to express the things that come through my mind. But she makes me uncomfortable. She doesn't fit into this world. She is too needy. She has these cycles that don't fit into the go go go pace of the world. Her kind of knowledge isn't respected in this world. No one wants to hear it. It's weird. It's "woo woo". It's illogical. Irrational.
The thoughts racing in my mind as I write this:
Omigod, are you actually going to put this into a blog? People will see you. They're going to think you're crazy. This is weird. This isn't well-crafted and articulate and intellectual. What are you doing?
Calm down, it's okay...
No! I want to write about how we commoditize women's bodies and how we commoditize nature. I want to write about the concept of Eros with respect to how we view our earth. I have all these really cool, heady academic ideas that I want to express.
That isn't what you need. That isn't what is needed. Let your mind rest.
But...but...I want to write about duality and science and Indigenous ways of knowing. I want to write about the gap between when we fall and when we rise up again and the messy part in between.
You are IN the messy part in between. Just BE there.
This is not the post I intended to write. But this is the post that came through. I don't make the rules, I just try to follow them and when the muse whispers to me, I'm learning to listen. So in all my raw, incomplete imperfectness, here is my offering. My sincere hope is that you find something here to help you know you aren't alone and that we are ALL in the messy part in between.