Rage??

Why rage?

Because of him. Because "he didn't intend it."

He didn't intend it??? What the fuck did he intend?

Okay, wait. I'll be logical for a moment.

So he didn't intend it. Okay.

He may not have intended it, but the what's that saying about the road to hell?

Yeah. He can say he didn't intend it but his impact says different.

Our true intentions are revealed by our outcomes, isn't that right?

Maybe you don't believe that. It doesn't matter really. Because he DID do it. And just because he didn't "intend" it doesn't mean that the results still aren't devastating. It doesn't mean it didn't have an impact. It doesn't mean he should walk away and not give it another thought.

So yes, rage.

But not just because of him.

Because of her. Because of them.

"I will deal with it."

"That's terrible!"

"Omigod...."

And then, after.....

nothing....

That hurts. So much. Where I expected understanding and solidarity and support instead I feel alone.

I feel hurt and betrayed and at the same time feel great compassion and because I understand.

This isn't truly rage. This is grief. I ache from the deep, deep pain of it, the absolute dismay and bewilderment of it all. This is the pain of a wound that is generations old.

The tension of holding these feelings threatens to burst me. My heart is full, but not that kind of full that overflows and pours sweetness over all in its path. This fullness is heavy and dark. It will overflow and suck everyone in its path into it to drown in it's murky despair.

They are hurt too. To acknowledge the trauma of this, they would have to acknowledge their own trauma.

Easier to shrug it off. It happens to all women. I've dealt with it. It's happened to me too. Me too. #MeToo

I didn't want to look at it either. I didn't want to dredge up my pain, the darkness that others had injected into me that has festered there quietly hiding.

It took this to make me look. It was like tearing a bandaid off of a wound and pulling all the surrounding skin and hair off as well. It hasn't actually healed. It's still festering. The tearing was a shock, it made me realize I still feel something there. Then to see the wound still raw after all this time - that rawness is angry red. It has been festering. It needs to heal, but first it needs to be cleaned out. And that hurts like a bitch.

You know. You've all had infected cuts that you've poured alcohol or hydrogen peroxide on right?

That shit hurts like hell. You might even curse a little.

Or if you're me you might curse a LOT.